Psychologically Speaking…
with Dr. Lynn Margolies

Easy Steps to Reconnect: A Guide for Emotionally Avoidant Dads (and Moms)

Dad’s Perspective:

It was torture for Jason when his 13 year old son, Dylan, gave him the “cold shoulder” and wouldn’t speak to him. Jason would react in anger, feeling justified because he believed that Dylan was the one at fault. Jason defended his position, often lecturing. Alternatively, Jason would give Dylan the silent treatment right back. This would go on endlessly - creating tension in the house for everyone, but neither wanted to be the one to break, It was reminiscent of siblings fighting. The only way they would come out of the impasse was when it dissipated over time, or when Dylan wanted something, When Jason finally saw that he was actually hurting his son, he became motivated to improve their relationship and end this destructive cycle.  He decided that when his son behaved this way towards him, he would make things better by ignoring how Dylan was acting, be nice and pretend everything was ok.  However, even this seemed to backfire, making Dylan pull away more.

Dylan’s Perspective:

Dylan, 13,  was gifted, bright and social. He was a good kid. Dylan felt sad and hopeless about his relationship with his dad, who often disappointed him. Tearful in family therapy, he was reluctant to speak. He did not think it would matter and did not want to have hope because he did not trust that his dad would do better. He felt criticized  and believed that his dad did not trust him or really care about him or.  Another major issue for him was that his dad was always too busy working and that he seemed to care more about “things” than him. For example, when Dylan was excited and wanted his dad to watch him do an athletic trick in the house, Jason was often preoccupied with getting him to be cautious not to break anything, failing to notice that Dylan wanted him to join him in his excitement and be proud of him.

Psychologically Speaking

In exploring the dynamic between him and Dylan, Jason was reminded of holding a grudge against his own dad for how he treated him growing up – not paying attention to him or talking with him, and failing to connect or show affection.  As he talked about this, Jason spontaneously remembered that he too as a child gave his dad the silent treatment. He remembered keeping it going as long as he could- hoping his dad would feel something and preparing what he would say when his dad would ask him what was wrong.  But he never did.

 It suddenly occurred to him that maybe Dylan wasn’t just trying to punish him (though it felt that way - as it did when his dad had ignored him.). Maybe Dylan needed him to feel something and show that he cared, as Jason had needed from his dad.   Dylan’s behavior was a desperate effort to communicate something that wasn’t getting through otherwise. Dylan was trying to make his dad feel rejected and bad to get him to understand how he was being made to feel, hoping his dad would “get it” and  needing him to respond by coming back to him.

Jason was quick to point out that he was nothing like his dad, though, because he spent more time with Dylan than his father did with him.  Still, Dylan seemed to share some of the same feelings that Jason had towards his dad. And, similar to his own father, Jason was unable to recognize and effectively respond to his son’s feelings, and tended to easily retreat or become reactive. 

Even when Jason recognized that he was re-enacting what his dad did to him and hurting his son, he was at a loss for how to understand or respond in a helpful way when Dylan was upset. He never learned how to read and respond to his son’s feelings because of his own parents limitations. The emotional capacities that form the basis of these skills were not developed during Jason’s childhood.

This empathic ability or “mind reading” is an aspect of brain development that occurs during childhood as parents are able to read their children’s reactions and respond emotionally in a way that helps them regulate their emotional state. This process also involves the parent helping the child understand what is happening interpersonally and emotionally.  The child digests and internalizes such experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, and manage emotions in interpersonal situations.

Jason needed to be taught the skills required to restore his relationship with Dylan when it became disrupted. He had to write down, learn and practice the steps involved in handling emotionally difficult situations in order to prepare himself, as well as build new behavior patterns.

The first step here was to identify the high-risk situations for him and Dylan and spell out what his son’s and his own reactions tended to be. There are usually a limited number of types of triggering situations that recur, Learning what they were helped Jason be more vigilant,  making risks more easily recognizable, familiar and predictable – and reinforcing awareness that his instincts fail him at these times.

Reviewing examples of key incidents that have occurred is helpful in the process of identifying and delineating typical unsafe scenarios.  A range of situations usually represents a few common themes to look out for and remember.  In this case, problems between Jason and his son were activated when Dylan felt ignored or unimportant..

To help understand how Dylan might feel in these situations, Jason used his memories of how he felt growing up when his dad failed to notice him. Jason worked on identifying predictable reactions he had to his son in these situations. He learned to recognize his vulnerability to behaving badly with Dylan at these times, realizing that when Dylan ignored him he was reminded of how he felt when he was unable to have an impact on his dad.

Once Jason knew in advance the “answers” that would normally come from instinctive “mind reading” the next step was to recognize risky situations in the moment and use his knowledge and awareness to handle himself differently. Using the guidelines below, Jason learned to resist succumbing to maladaptive instincts when triggered, and instead practice new, more effective behaviors with his son.

Guidelines for Dads:

• Take a moment to step back from emotional reactions by reminding yourself that you have new tools to handle this better.
• Take some recovery time before approaching your child- reminding yourself to have restraint and pull back from instincts to react defensively.
• Once your equilibrium is restored, let your child know that you would like to talk.
• During the talk, don’t elaborate on your own feelings or justify your actions, and be concise in what you say. 
• Explain in simple language to your child your understanding of what he is feeling and what happened. For example, in the case of Dylan and the athletic trick: “I know you were excited to show me the trick and wanted me to be excited too, and proud. I took the air out of your balloon. I got distracted by my own anxiety in that moment and made you feel uncared about. “
• Take responsibility and apologize. In the example of Jason taking the phone call, “I know you wanted to spend time together and I interrupted that by taking the call. I ignored you and then acted like I didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry. I understand why you are mad. Maybe tomorrow we can try again. (Offer to do something with him he enjoys.)

The capacity to repair dysregulations as they occur is an essential component of secure, healthy relationships. Restoring the flow between parent and child involves the parent making adjustments in response to the child’s emotional state, a responsiveness that allows children to come to know their internal experience. Further, when the parent repeatedly restores the emotional rhythm of the relationship, it fosters repeated experiences of being able to have an impact, and the child internalizes a sense of mastery, security, and trust in themselves and others. 

Jason learned new ways to respond to his own and Dylan’s feelings, helping him develop a healthier and more continuous, “real time” connection   with his son. Jason was able to begin to extricate himself and Dylan from a dynamic from his past, Though at times he continued to slip into old patterns, Jason was largely able to break the intergenerational cycle by learning to be ‘on to”  his blind spots and develop new ways of responding,  In this way,  Jason allowed Dylan the opportunity to develop skills and  capacities that he never had the chance to develop when he was a boy, thereby fulfilling his wish to truly be a better dad to his son than his dad was able to be to him.